Jaded...
Jaded: "made dull, apathetic, or cynical by experience or by surfeit" That's how I feel right now... JADED. I work in the health care industry and for those of you that are naive, ITS ALL ABOUT MONEY. I just concluded reading and viewing the Copaxone fancy binder and VERY LONG DVD that includes everything from what is MS to why Copaxone is the best choice to how to give yourself a shot every day.
I hate this. I know I have to come to terms soon enough as early treatment is proven the wisest option but I just don't want too. I feel like a little kid in the sense that I don't want to grow up - this would make me a grown up for sure and I am not ready. I am only 28.
How do I come to terms with it all? How do I accept that destructive things are happening in my body that I can't even feel? I keep thinking that maybe, just maybe I don't have MS. If you remember back to an earlier post, I was relieved that I was diagnosed. Guess what? I changed my mind. I don't want relief, I want an escape from all of this.
As you can tell, I am still in the anger phase of grief. The funny thing about all of this, if you can search for humor that is, is that if I had just been diagnosed in April or even in July when I was told, "We think you have MS," only to later be told I don't... I would have probably done better with the reality that I am desperately resisting today. Why you ask? Because if someone tells you once and even twice that you don't have a disease, you are embedded with doubt that maybe this time, they are wrong again...
I want to close the anger chapter I am writing now... someday all these blogs might turn into a book that might help someone else deal with this... I know that someday I will be ok with it - well OK is a broad term I know, but at least accepting the reality.
I can tell you the things I am most thankful for though to serve a sort of, distraction for my anger... I am so unbelievably thankful for my husband. Words can't even express how I don't think I could have gone through something like this without his caring ways and pure sweetness. MS can make you really irritable and short-tempered. I married such a mellow man and for that and so many other things, I am eternally grateful for our Internet love match - yes for those that don't know, Adam and I met on www.christiancafe.com. We met during a 10 day free trial and it was purely by accident (at least we thought) that we were paired up and I emailed him to find out where he went to college. One email turned into countless hours and a $200.00 cell phone bill. After a whirlwind romance over really 11 months, we were engaged and married, 6 months later. At first, babies were way off in the future but I wanted children young because after losing my mom to breast cancer when I was only 9, I wanted to do everything I could to ensure I spent more than 9 years with my children. Anna is now 4 and Emma, 2. Of course, I never anticipated getting MS and having to question my future fertility but this, like so many other things, just shows that God's timing is so much better than my own.
I am thankful for my two daughters and their big hearts. Anna, so sweet and genuine, and very caring. Emma, a fireball, has a smile and laugh that you can't resist.
I am thankful for my family, both immediate and in-laws. Everyone has been so quick to offer support and care - it has been so appreciated.
All of my friends, new and old that have come to my aid and offered babysitting, gift certificates for date night and a simple listening ear. Thank you. God has richly blessed me with so many things perhaps I should move out of anger now and on to acceptance.
There's no cure yet and frankly, I like a challenge.
I hate this. I know I have to come to terms soon enough as early treatment is proven the wisest option but I just don't want too. I feel like a little kid in the sense that I don't want to grow up - this would make me a grown up for sure and I am not ready. I am only 28.
How do I come to terms with it all? How do I accept that destructive things are happening in my body that I can't even feel? I keep thinking that maybe, just maybe I don't have MS. If you remember back to an earlier post, I was relieved that I was diagnosed. Guess what? I changed my mind. I don't want relief, I want an escape from all of this.
As you can tell, I am still in the anger phase of grief. The funny thing about all of this, if you can search for humor that is, is that if I had just been diagnosed in April or even in July when I was told, "We think you have MS," only to later be told I don't... I would have probably done better with the reality that I am desperately resisting today. Why you ask? Because if someone tells you once and even twice that you don't have a disease, you are embedded with doubt that maybe this time, they are wrong again...
I want to close the anger chapter I am writing now... someday all these blogs might turn into a book that might help someone else deal with this... I know that someday I will be ok with it - well OK is a broad term I know, but at least accepting the reality.
I can tell you the things I am most thankful for though to serve a sort of, distraction for my anger... I am so unbelievably thankful for my husband. Words can't even express how I don't think I could have gone through something like this without his caring ways and pure sweetness. MS can make you really irritable and short-tempered. I married such a mellow man and for that and so many other things, I am eternally grateful for our Internet love match - yes for those that don't know, Adam and I met on www.christiancafe.com. We met during a 10 day free trial and it was purely by accident (at least we thought) that we were paired up and I emailed him to find out where he went to college. One email turned into countless hours and a $200.00 cell phone bill. After a whirlwind romance over really 11 months, we were engaged and married, 6 months later. At first, babies were way off in the future but I wanted children young because after losing my mom to breast cancer when I was only 9, I wanted to do everything I could to ensure I spent more than 9 years with my children. Anna is now 4 and Emma, 2. Of course, I never anticipated getting MS and having to question my future fertility but this, like so many other things, just shows that God's timing is so much better than my own.
I am thankful for my two daughters and their big hearts. Anna, so sweet and genuine, and very caring. Emma, a fireball, has a smile and laugh that you can't resist.
I am thankful for my family, both immediate and in-laws. Everyone has been so quick to offer support and care - it has been so appreciated.
All of my friends, new and old that have come to my aid and offered babysitting, gift certificates for date night and a simple listening ear. Thank you. God has richly blessed me with so many things perhaps I should move out of anger now and on to acceptance.
There's no cure yet and frankly, I like a challenge.
posted by Minnesota Mommy at 2:00 PM
3 Comments:
I am glad you have Adam. He won he over in just a few short days, he really is compassionate and caring. I'm glad you have him and the girls..
It is not fair that you have MS. Sorry is not enough.
You are amazing. Your thankful thoughts are a testimony to the beautiful, strong woman that you are.
You're still in my prayers, Jaime. XO
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